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Paul's Jokes - more jokes

I'm afraid all I can offer is that they amuse me, I will try to add one new joke a week at the top and the older ones will be lower down. Bookmark this and come again! I get a lot of fun from jokes from Joke-a-Day so let me give them credit, thanks guys!

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12 February 2001

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way.
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True story:
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."

Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle loses his shell, is he naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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Judge:   Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror:   I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge:   Can't they do without you at work?

Juror:   Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

8th January 2001

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediatley bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!" The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

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Taxes

One old adage says the only things certain in life are death & taxes, Unfortunately though, they don't come in that order.

Seems to me the only possible fair tax structure is one that allows everyone to cheat evenly.

With the quality of education declining in the US, and even colleges turning out semi-literate idiots, I understand the IRS is considering a new simplified tax form where all you have to do is color it in.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Your check is called "Take Home Pay" because that's the only place you can afford to go with it after all the taxes are taken out.

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Intelligence Test

1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?
8) You take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and dropoff 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

The answers:

1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2 !
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.

14th January 2001

My younger sister was having one of her first gynelogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.

"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfreind wants to have anal sex. I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it. Can I get pregnant?"

The kindly old doctor smiled whimsicaly and replied "Of couse, you can my dear. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
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"Daddy, are you growing taller all the time?"

"No, my child. Why do you ask?"

"Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair"

8th January 2001

Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

SCIENCE SILLIES FROM 5TH & 6TH GRADERS

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

29th December 2000

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."

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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

22nd December 2000

These are supposedly actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips. Human nature being what it is, I wouldn't doubt the authenticity of these remarks.

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

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