A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces
of meat on the ceiling.
He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
"Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of
meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
the steaks are too high!"
THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh! I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS
Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a f***ing people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realise you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I plead contemporary insanity.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.